God and His sense of humour

I don't know if this is brinking on being blasphemous, but I really think God has an awesome sense of humour.

I mean look at the many instances where Jesus let his disciples wet their pants, walking over the water, sleeping through a storm, what a trollolol! Yet He only intends good for them.

In my own life, there were also many times where I felt like God had left me on my own to kinda work it out, and that scared me, that scared me a lot.

Like this dang Uni application thing, it's such a bother! All my poly life, I didn't consider carefully how the decisions I make and the actions I took would affect it. I chose to intentionally ignore it, under the cover, "Let tomorrow worry for itself, for today I will just learn to faithfully do what God has placed before me." Don't get me wrong, I do believe in that statement and I believe firmly in it. Sometimes we just worry to much about everything around us that we end up not doing anything positive at all! But this uni application revealed to me something about myself that I had hidden for a long time, from God (well, I tried), from the people around me and even myself.

I'm a runner. (Well yeah I guess I can run kinda fast)
But not that kind of athlete, I'm a runner in the sense that I like to run away from things that require me to plant my foot down.

The first instance I can remember, is during my first two relationships in Secondary school.
I ran away from those because I was so afraid of getting hurt, of not only letting them down, but letting myself down. I did get back into one of those relationships in the end, and I really thought wow this could be it, this is the one and I'm ready to give my life to her and for her. But yeah u see, this is where God's wonderful sense of humour comes in. He put in me the fear, the fear of failing Him and of disappointing Him and I just couldn't have that. After a talk with one of my best bros, I decided that it was better of to end it. I realised that it was only on hind sight, than was I able to learn my lesson. God pulled me out when I was totally veering off course and when I was totally oblivious to it. But I had to go through the hurt, the hurt of being hurt and of having hurt another to learn my lesson hard and well.

The second instance I can remember is when I was in a CCA in NP. Yeah I was in ultimate frisbee and I was really pretty good, the irony being that I was a really good runner and I could catch the frisbee well (Like a dog la I felt). Because I was able to provide such a value to the team, they allowed me to be on their competition squad and that was a really great honour! I felt proud of myself, because I had never really been part of a sports team and I loved the feeling of being needed! But then slowly as stressed kicked in when school term came full swing, Sundays were the only time I could spend with my church peers and I loved and cherished those moments. Frisbee was talking up almost everyday of the week and now it had begun to intrude on my Sundays cos that's when the competition was. I hated that, I hated that it took away the thing I cherished the most and one day, I just stopped going for the competitions. I didn't even tell anyone, not my competition squad because I just couldn't face them. I gave them the excuse that I had church but nothing else. Slowly but surely, I stopped going for trainings. I could never face my team members after that. When I walked into school, they would be training at the admin field at the school bus stop and I remember always keeping my head down as I felt their eyes burning into the back of my neck.

The third instance I can remember is when I was taking my NAPHA in my final year of poly. Throughout the year, I had been training really hard for my 2.4, doing intervals almost every day and doing strength training every other day. Then came the day and I pretty much went through everything quite smoothly. Finally when 2.4 came, I was pretty confident. But alas, when it was down to my last 2 laps, something in me just felt like giving up. I knew I could push myself, I knew I could run even faster, but I just started slowing down, overwhelmed with a feeling of boredom and a sense of, "Aiyah I know I can do it can liao, no need to prove it." I felt so disappointed after that, seriously!? Running away from running and trying my best? That's just sad.

The fifth instance I can remember, is with all my assignments in NP. I am more than ok to submit work that is passable. The funny thing is, I won't be ok when I don't get a good grade. Like I just want to get it over and done with and what makes me feel ok about it, is that same feeling of "Aiyah, I know I can do it can liao, no need to prove it."

Actually I realise for all this instances, it was always that feeling that made me give less than my best.

In my relationship: Aiyah, I know I can be a good boyfriend, no need to prove it.
In my sports team: Aiyah, I know I am good, no need to prove it.
In my NAPHA test: Aiyah, I know I am fast, no need to prove it.
In my assignments: Aiyah, I know I am capable and intelligent, no need to prove it.

And even now for StageMax: Aiyah, I know I am creative and I am able to manage and lead a team, no need to prove it.

StageMax. StageMax was really the point where God really begun to reveal all these chao kuans to me.
It is just so huge - with so many things to do, so many expectations to manage, and so much time and energy involved...
Like you want me to brainstorm the idea, sure! You want me to help train the drama students, by all means! You want me to take care of people and to remind them about the gospel, by gosh that would be such a privilege.
You want me to lead the team and co-ordinate everything, err..... :/ Can I not?
There were many moments where I prayed, "I hope my NS comes earlier, so that I have a legitimate reason to get out of it, to not see it through to the end."

All this time, I felt I had my life all together, with the confidence being the way God has made me.

“And to the angel of the church in Laodicea write: ‘The words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the beginning of God's creation. ¹⁵“‘I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot!¹⁶ So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth.¹⁷ For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked. ¹⁸ I counsel you to buy from me gold refined by fire, so that you may be rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself and the shame of your nakedness may not be seen, and salve to anoint your eyes, so that you may see. ¹⁹ Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline, so be zealous and repent.

- Revelations 3:14 - 19

And now when I am left with so many options with what to do with my life, I am afraid of becoming indecisive, of being lukewarm once more, of committing and of putting my foot down. I know there is no model answer to life that anyone can give me, there's no golden ray of light shining down from heaven to light the way. The comparison is between not only good options, but also good motivations.

For now I have resolved, to just try and to accept the consequences as they come.

I'll try my best for StageMax, where I fail, I fail. 

For what do I have in me? Thinking about all these things... Not very much. 

So what if I am capable?

So what if I am intelligent?

So what if I am athletic?

So what if I am friendly?

If I don't remain consistent and resilient to live these gifts from God out in my life, it means noth...

At the end of the day, all I really have is Christ.

I cling to Him, I lean on Him, I plead with Him, I cry to Him and ask Him to change me.

To help me, to grow me, to mould me and to refine me with fire so that one day, I may come out as a pure gem, one that has been tested by fire and is ready for His use.

All I have is Christ

Verse 1
I once was lost in darkest night 
Yet thought I knew the way 
The sin that promised joy and life 
Had led me to the grave 
I had no hope that You would own 
A rebel to Your will 
And if You had not loved me first 
I would refuse You still 

Verse 2
But as I ran my hell-bound race 
Indifferent to the cost 
You looked upon my helpless state 
And led me to the cross 
And I beheld God’s love displayed 
You suffered in my place 
You bore the wrath reserved for me 
Now all I know is grace 

Chorus 
Hallelujah! All I have is Christ 
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life 

Verse 3
Now, Lord, I would be Yours alone 
And live so all might see 
The strength to follow Your commands 
Could never come from me 
O Father, use my ransomed life 
In any way You choose 
And let my song forever be 
My only boast is You

Repentance is...

Recently, I've just begun a devotional material titled, "The Journey to the Cross". The material was crafted by a church for the purpose of preparing the heart's of the people of God for Good Friday.

I am only into Day 6 of the material and so far, I've come to learn so much about what repentance really is and how it is such an essential part of the Christian life.

When I was young, I used to think that repentance was all about feeling guilty, ashamed of the mess that I have made and feeling all dog gone sorry for myself. I believed that the worse I felt, the better I would become, somehow, well, one way or another. But the problem was, I never finally knew what to do. All the moping and the moaning was just so tiring that after awhile, I learnt to either ignore what I've done or worse still, grow accustomed to it as if it was no big deal.

The problem was that I had a totally wrong idea of what repentance is.

Repentance isn't so much about feeling sorry for yourself,
OR
Beating yourself up over it,
OR
Taking on a mystical drive for self-improvement.

Repentance is, about turning away from that which distracts and entangles and returning to Jesus, with a heart that is wholly devoted to Him and His way.